Change a line, ruin a movie franchise
by annafan
Summary: A variation on that old game "change a word, ruin a movie". Does exactly what it says on the tin. A Christmas present for Lady Peter. A cast of thousands, and nothing is sacred.


**Change a phrase, ruin a movie franchise.**

**With profound apologies to all involved...**

**A Christmas present for my wonderful beta, Lady Peter, who, despite being a major Han/Leia shipper, wades through tens of thousands of words set in Middle Earth for me.**

**Disclaimer: Of course I don't own anything to do with Star Wars, that would just be plain daft.**

**This is based on the good old game, "Change a word, ruin a movie". The original version does it with a single word in the title – for instance, "****_The Crêpes of Wrath_****: An epic tale of the struggle of the Joad family. Driven from their farm by poverty and drought in the dust-bowl Mid West of Depression Era America, they find redemption by opening a bijoux eaterie in a nearby college town." You get the idea...**

**I'm going to change the odd bit of dialogue, though...**

**The warning I put on a lot of my fics applies here – I will do anything in pursuit of a cheap laugh – canon/ non-canon, het/ slash/ horses voiced by Owen Wilson (not that there are any horses in Star Wars... oversight on GL's part which is crying out to be rectified, if you ask me). If you don't think this will do it for you, hit the back button now!**

**With thanks to my evil muse, Tommy Ginger, for leaving Middle Earth (more specifically Rohan – she says Firefoot is actually voiced by Eddie Izzard) long enough to look at this for me.**

Luke stared at the flickering holo in front of him. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

"Help us, Obi Wan. You're our only hope..." The transmission flickered out. He'd watched it several times now, but he couldn't access any of the rest of the recording. Shame, really: it seemed to have a lot more going for it than the customary "plumber comes to fix the broken component of the moisture farm just as the farmer's wife is stripped down ready for the fresher" plot line. But the holo kept cutting out, and she hadn't even shed a single item of clothing yet. Heaving a sigh, Luke realised he had a huge backlog of chores.

"Guess I'd better get round to doing a memory wipe on you guys..."

~~000~~

He might be physically helpless, but he'd be damned if he crumbled mentally.

"You killed my father," he ground out through gritted teeth.

"Well, yes..." said the dark-masked figure before him, the gravelly voice suddenly sounding much higher in pitch. "But he was a bastard and had it coming. What sort of a sad fuck-up of a man hits his wife? Specially when she's pregnant?"

Luke's eyes widened as he felt a strange wave of what could only be described as affection radiating through the force. It seemed to be emanating from Vader.

"Luke... I am your mother."

~~000~~

Han dabbed gently at the blood on Leia's shoulder. Above the canopy of the surrounding forest, a shuttle hurtled overhead. Leia's expression suddenly looked a million miles away.

"I'm sure Luke wasn't on that thing when it blew," said Han.

"He wasn't," said Leia, an enigmatic smile playing across her lips.

"You love him, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Fine," said Han, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice. "I won't stand in your way."

"Thank the goddess for that. I hadn't expected you to be so reasonable..."

~~000~~

"I've wanted to do that for so long," said Anakin, quenching his lightsabre.

"Hmm. Too hasty you are. Hmm. Read the title you have not," said Yoda. He knelt beside the body of Jar Jar Binks. With smooth movements, he passed his hands just above Binks' abdomen. A greenish glow of force energy flowed from his fingers, knitting together the damaged internal organs, breathing life back into the fallen Gungan.

"What are you doing?" whined the Padawan.

Obi Wan face-palmed. "What Yoda's trying to say is the title is 'ruin a movie franchise', not improve on it."

~~000~~

"I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie."

"I can arrange that. You could use a good kiss."

"Damn straight. I know it's all a bit high-school, 'ooh, can you tell your friend I fancy him?'. But I've always had this real thing for hairy males."

~~000~~

Han had tried his usual approach with women. A sure-fire cockiness – they lapped that up. He'd complimented himself on his own rescue techniques. With his trademark lopsided grin thrown in, this was normally a sure-fire winner with females of any species. But the princess was clearly made of tougher stuff.

Her parting shot as she flounced out was, "If money is all that you love, then money is what you'll receive." He watched as she pushed past Luke, who looked a bit stunned.

"Your friend is quite a mercenary. I wonder if he cares about anything." Her words were clearly directed at him, and Luke was just a convenient patsy.

Han grunted with cynicism as he heard Luke murmur, "I care." Hell, talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve. Wet behind the ears didn't even begin to cover it.

Luke slid into the seat beside Han. In silence, the two of them looked out into the darkness the other side of the viewport. Eventually Luke spoke, trying to sound casual.

"So what do you think of her?"

"I try not to."

Han took a sidelong look at Luke as he heard the younger man whisper, "Good."

The Corellian couldn't resist it. "Still, she's got a lot of spirit. Do you think a princess and a guy like me..."

"No," said Luke sharply.

Han laughed. "Just yanking your chain. To tell the truth... I wear my blaster on the other hip, if you know what I mean." He raised his eyebrow suggestively. "So, do you think a padawan and a guy like me..."

~~000~~

Greedo shot first.

**THE END... OR IS IT?**


End file.
